I totally missed gaydar, but I got “preggo-dar”!

So this is my first blog post in…. two years?  Close to it.  When I started this blog, my husband and I were just doing our first IVF cycle, super excited.  Two years later, we’ve survived a few bumps in our path of marriage, which put our fertility plans on hold a bit, but we’re still here and still dreaming of a family together.

We’ve done two frozen embryo transfers now, one in June of ’09 and another in October.  Neither took.  It was devastating.  Much harder than either of us imagined.  No one really understands, I think, unless they’ve walked this path.  People say things like “oh, well it wasn’t really a baby” as if that would make me feel better.  No, it wasn’t a baby.  But it was my HOPE of a baby.  It was a little collection of cells that was alive and growing, and now isn’t alive anymore.  And it was a lot of money.

I hate that it comes down to that, but quite frankly it does.  If hoping and wishing and thinking positive and “just relaxing” would get me pregnant, I’d have a six year old and a four year old by now!  But that obviously hasn’t worked.  So all we’re left with is throwing money at medical solutions.  Today I figured out that each “try”, without insurance, costs us roughly $7500.  A lot of hopes and dreams are hanging on each of those tries, because I’m not made of money.  Practical considerations here.  It’s hard to “just relax” and “hope for the best” in such circumstances.

So tonight I went to a wine tasting event (I work in the wine industry) and one of the other young women there, a compatriot of mine in the wine business, wasn’t drinking.  She didn’t say anything, but I just know she’s pregnant.  She had “that look”.  And I’m happy for her, and I’ll smile very knowingly when she announces her news in a couple months.

But I’m also mad.  I’m so fed up with being the only one of my peers who can’t get pregnant!  I’m mad that it takes so much effort for us to even try, let alone the costs of actually having a child.  I’m mad that people say things like “thank goodness you don’t have kids yet” when I complain about being overwhelmed and busy.  I’m mad that I’m 30 years old and feeling my life slipping by while I desperately try to save the money to do something that happens totally by accident for everyone else (or so it feels).  I’m mad!!

 

we have created LIFE!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have created 16 embryos. Woohoo! With the help of the staff at Bellingham IVF, of course.

My retrieval surgery was on Monday. We got to the clinic at 7:30 am and by 8:00 I was out cold. The last thing I remember was the anesthesiologist putting the oxygen tube thingy in my nose, and I thought, “this feels weird”. Then Alan was beside me, helping me sip a 7up, I had cramps from hell, and the doctor was telling us they had aspirated 45 follicles! (That’s a much higher than average number.) The whole thing took about 40 minutes. I stayed in recovery for almost an hour, then got dressed and went home.

Because I had so many follicles and responded so well to the stimulation hormones, I have a mild case of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). This causes abdominal swelling and tenderness, fatigue, nausea, and other uncomfortable bodily disfunctions.

Now it’s Wednesday, and I’m still on modified bed rest. Today has been much better, actually. I’m getting my energy back, and gradually feeling less bloated. I’ve been able to move around more today. I even carried a stack of newspapers from the living room floor to the recycle bin. Go me!

Because of the OHSS, we’ll probably freeze all the embryos (that is, the clinic will freeze them… it’s not like you just put them in ice cube trays and pop ‘em in the freezer!) and put off the embryo transfer until late April/early May. The OHSS will diminish in a few more days on its own, but if I were to get pregnant, it would take several weeks to go away. All things considered, I’d rather wait another month and start from healthy, no OHSS, rather than transfer now, be miserable for a month, and possibly endanger the pregnancy. Another positive is that it gives me a nice little break from shots, pills, and nasal sprays, and I’ll be able to go to a business conference that I really wanted to go to in April. It’s meant to be.

Happily, our chances of conceiving a “snowbaby” are just as good as with a “fresh” cycle! And with 16 embryos, we should have enough for several FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles should the first one not take, or when we decide we want to bring another little Pollack terror or two into the world.

 

invasion of the follicles

Despite being an old pro at the shots now, this week has still been an ordeal. By day three of stims, I could feel my ovaries. I’ve been pretty sore since then. (Not that I’m complaining, but you try having two swollen things the size of lemons situated in your pelvis, smushing up against everything else.) Every month during a woman’s normal cycle, about 50 follicles start developing and only one, or sometimes two, become dominant and end up being ovulated. What the stimulation meds are doing is causing more follicles to grow than would normally grow, by providing my body with more hormones. So while I know that technically the follicles have been there all along, and it’s not really an invasion, I feel invaded nonetheless.

The first ultrasound to look at these beauties, on Tuesday, showed 18 follicles total (divided more or less evenly between the two sides), at about 10-12mm each. My doctor didn’t want all of those follicles to continue developing (that would put me at greater risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), so he cut my dose of stims by one third.

Another ultrasound on Thursday showed my body responding perfectly – now only 10-12 follicles are heading for maturity. A few more may catch up. They will still harvest all the follicles, but the eggs in the smaller ones will be less mature and probably won’t be able to be fertilized. What might end up happening – knock on wood – is something like this: 8 fertilized eggs, 6 that make it to day 3 after retrieval, 2 implanted, and 4 to freeze. Something like that.

Tonight is my last stim shot, and tomorrow I take the “trigger” shot of hCG. This helps the eggs mature and be ready for harvest. (I’m a happy little egg farm!) The egg retrieval surgery (email me if you want to know more about the gory details) will be Monday at 8am.

Keep us, especially me, if I may say so, in your thoughts/prayers!

 

the journey begins in earnest

My butt hurts. That’s my main comment at this point. The shot didn’t hurt at all, but now my butt hurts. And since I’ll get a shot in the other cheek tonight, tomorrow both sides will hurt! This is so much fun!

It’s not that big a deal, really, and this isn’t even the worse of it yet. But I do have to say this: all you people who can conceive naturally are so lucky!

 

green light!

Today we had an ultrasound (rather, *I* had an ultrasound; I seem to have already picked up the habit of referring to anything relevenant to pregnancy as “we” did this or that…) at any rate, the ultrasound confirmed that there are no ovarian cysts and we are good to go! So tomorrow, Alan gets to start sticking needles in me. Yay.

Today I bought Tom’s of Maine toothpaste, some organic shampoo, and baby aspirin. Gotta start stocking the shelves. The baby aspirin I actually need for my cycle. The organic personal care products…. doubtful. But, seeing as there’s little I can control in this process, I guess I feel like I should control whatever is remotely within my sphere of influence… like toothpaste, shampoo, mascara, and the food I put in my body.

According to the book I’m reading, it seems that everything is potentially harmful, from lead in the printing on plastic grocery bags, to the dental floss I use every day. Good grief. So far I have dropped caffeine, and tap water. Only distilled water for me, and only organic water processed fair trade shade grown decaf coffee (made with distilled water of course).

Tomorrow the real adventure begins! (mostly because I’ll finally have to give up wine…)

 

Can I panic now?

I find it odd that many people who are going through infertility don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to share their struggles even with close friends and family, as if it’s shameful or embarrassing somehow. Don’t get me wrong, I respect people’s wish for privacy and I don’t think that everyone who elects not to broadcast every nuance of their fertility journey is prudish or self-absorbed. In fact, the case could be made that *I* am self absorbed for choosing to publicize my journey to the world.

At any rate, I don’t find any shame in the fact that my husband and I have not been able to conceive a child naturally in five years, and I don’t think that anyone should be ashamed of infertility. It’s incredibly difficult, yes, but not shameful. Did you know that even with all systems functioning normally, the chance of conceiving is about 30% per cycle, for young, fertile, ardent couples? The point being, conception is a miracle whenever it happens, and the odds are stacked against us to begin with. Add to that mix the increase of environmental toxins and pollutants and chemicals that we’re all breathing and ingesting and sitting on and sleeping on and washing our hair with daily, and it’s no wonder that infertility is at an all time high.

So as my husband and I start our journey toward having a baby, with all the help the medical establishment can give us, I’ve purposed to be the most healthy and conscientious mother that I can be, without going nuts. I’m about halfway through the book that prompted this blog, The Complete Organic Pregnancy, by Deidre Dolan and Alexandra Zissu (buy it on Amazon!). Thus my blog: my organic pregnancy.

I’m already feeling more paranoid, but also more hopeful – that I can create the most healthful environment possible for myself and my growing family. Stay tuned.